Private Eye Van der Winchester

Chapter 1

He entered the room, quietly, from behind. Unnoticed like ‘ball haaries’ hugging a ‘boerie roll’. His hair was blond, and styled like his cricketing and lifestyle hero, Jacques Kallis - and with a similar scent of smelly socks, man chutney and mud, nestled amongst hair products. His name was Derrick and he was a man of his own destiny and a man of the world. He had been roaming the world for the past decade and he was loved in every country he touched but mostly just in the east. He was a champion and he was a famed detective. A hero with a penchant for large women, small tents and a burning desire for answers. He is still not sure who in fact framed Rodger Rabbitt but swore he would solve that case before he packed his bags for the farm. A hero with a mission to make it happen. Like his best mate, he wore his white ‘jean pant’ tight, and ever since he had taken his detective exam he had been living the high life, up on the 27th floor. He strolled around, smiling, he was on top of the world and he chuckled when he remembered the great peaks that he had scaled. All three of those girls had left him shattered and restless, like a piece of burger stuck in a nostril and he smiled slyly. Derrick took his time and examined the crime scene, the police waiting patiently outside for the expert to complete his analysis.

Chapter 2

Donny was a bright young fashion designed. A raging homosexual and a flaming legend, he enjoyed two things, a bit of bumfluff and also tomato sauce. He could often be found in Camps Bay chanting hate slogans at the heterosexual couples who he despised like the sunset. He was resting on the pavement, a few lagers already buried deep in his belly, when the street clock chimed, signalling noon. He looked around lazily before his jaw dropped and he stared astonishingly inside the office of the local Accountant where he was witnessing the most violent crime to shake the neighbourhood since Pronkie Mood arrived in town nine years earlier with his caravan and bad attitude. It was over in a flash and it took Donny some time before he was able to compose himself and he then ran to be of assistance. When he arrived, there was blood everywhere and a lifeless body lay still on the floor. Closer inspection revealed the victim was his mate, Scullies. Donny turned with a snap, as he heard a door close nearby. He finished the snap with a pirroette before throwing his head back and giggling. Without thinking he chased the sound and could see a hunched figure running down the street. He ran, like the wind, on a windless day. Confronting the criminal who had his back to him. Without thinking Donny reached for the only thing he could see. The fire extinguisher emptied itself and when Donny came too, he was covered in white powder and shame, able to remember little of what had just occurred. A white piece of paper with a scribbled address lay stuck between his chunky fingers.

Derrick stared at Donny like he was a panda in the dark. The police officers had led him to the crucial witness and Donny was sat on the pavement, with a blanket around his shoulders and a cup of brandy to ease the shock. They knew each other well and had a tangled history. Derrick had never forgiven Donny for rooting his sister badly. Donny swore that he was just out of practice but it was shortly after this incident that Donny had climbed out of his closet and ‘outed’ himself in front of everyone. Derrick remembered the old saying, 'shoot a koala in the paw and it will eventually fall from tree'. Derrick was not angry with Donny because he made love to his sister but rather, it was believed, Derrick was jealous.

Chapter 3

Derrick was closing in on the criminal, when he spotted a clue. She was nice, like soft toilet roll, and her strawberry blond hair chased the summer flies that surrounded her. He unclipped his spade, and spaded her deep. He was getting close and knew he was in there when she gave him a hairy beaver and flashed him an eye. They huddled together and our hero used his toe to turn up the radio. Lional Richie was giving it horns and so was Derrick. They undressed hurriedly and while she turned to take her watch off, he slipped softly into her staff entrance. Derrick woke up on the pavement, naked, and he could tell that he had been crying. He had the last laugh though, because he now had the clue that he was looking for. He knew who the villain was.

With the police behind him he knocked on the door of apartment number 2. There was no response and when the small door mat held no secrets, Derrick became agitated and kicked down the door. The door fought back though and Derrick howled in pain, his foot badly injured and his pride seeping quickly away. Using the brute force of the law they eventually succeeded in entering the property and there ahead of him lay some vital clues, including a piece of chewing gum and a bottle of brandy. The chewing gum was soft and clung to his fingers. A strong snort of the nostril verified what he already knew, it was indeed chewing gum and he had indeed got it stuck in his moustache. The brandy followed a similar inspection routine and a smile spread across his face, moving steadily like p0rn through a schoolyard. A dinner plate lay abandoned on a side table next to one of the couches and Derrick hunched over it with intense concentration. The fish was going off, but in a bad way, not dancing like a mother fucker. The smell was pungent; someone had left in a hurry and had barely nibbled their dinner. Derrick could tell that the fish was obviously missing the jaw bone even though the head had not been removed. He had his man.

Chapter 4

They caught up with Roan McWiggy at Waterloo Station, he was boarding a train bound for nowhere and he had guilt written all over him. Someone had spelt it incorrectly though and Derrick marvelled at the error. Roan did not put up a fight and was taken into custody by a rough sergeant who commented on the delights he could look forward to in Wandsworth prison. Roan cried and begged Derrick to help him while Derrick smiled, and scratched his left cheek. It appeared that they had got their man, but Derrick knew that it was not all as it seemed and had been aware that someone very clever was setting up poor Roan to fall. It was at times like these that he sometimes thought he was alone with the Asians in the world of intellect and he smiled slyly. Roan had been sacrificed like a hot cross bun without the cross. Derrick deduced that the man he was looking for would be sitting in the next carriage and he would be unaware that they were on to him.

Gary the Greek sat quietly in the next carriage. Staring intently at his laptop he was waiting for the news to break that Roan McWiggy had been caught. He could hardly believe it when he was grabbed roughly by a tough sergeant who again commented enthusiastically on the facilities and pleasures of Wandsworth. The sergeant turned Gary to face Derrick and the two locked themselves into a stare. Derrick stared like a camel in heat and then he stared some more. There was only one question which needed to be asked and Gary beat Derrick to it, “What was the score in the Sharks game?”. Derrick had no idea so instead asked Gary why he had done it and what Scullies had done to deserve such a demise. Gary’s reply was curt, “He was threatening to shut me down“. As Gary was being led away he turn and shouted, “How did you know it was me?”. Derrick turned and smiled, “Strawberry blond my friend, strawberry blond - no bird has back hair like that forrest you forgot to trim".

Chapter 5

He turned to the sergeant, and mentioned that this was the most complex puzzle he had solved since determining two years previously that dingoes do in fact bark. He smiled shyly to himself and shook his head, still unable to believe that those wretched animals bark. This had been an emotional rollercoaster for our hero and, with the job done, he ran into the arms of his sister for comfort. Her name was Ruby and she smiled like the sun in the morning. Her body was tight and inviting and her nipples were bursting out into the night. Derrick shivered and then scolded himself, promising never to think dirty thoughts of his sweet, sexual, sister again.

Chapter 6

The chicken clucked softly, uncontrollably, aware something was wrong as it looked anxiously around the hatchery. It had never felt anything like this before. It turned to the hen next him who was smiling, “just give it a push”, she said, “It’s an egg”.

“But it is so painful, it’s too big”

“Just push, everything will be fine, the farmer will reward us like he always does”

So, the chicken pushed, and pushed, again clucking involuntarily. It pushed, with all it's strength.

Looking up towards the sky, visible through the fencing it could see the sky, blue as the ocean, starting to turn pink and a tear began to appear, working its way down towards the horizon. Thunder roared and rumbled, getting louder. The rumbling now became so loud he could think of nothing else and buried within the noise he swore he could here a sound. He strained to hear and could vaguely make out a large voice.

Looking across, the hen was still smiling, and encouraging him, “you are doing fine love, just keep pushing”. The chicken smiled back.

Suddenly the earthquake started and became increasingly violent but the chicken kept pushing and could now feel the egg passing through. The chicken was now shaking uncontrollable and as it looked up the sky finally broke, tearing a pink tear in the blue sky. It could hear its name being shouted, and as the chicken came to, he could hear Donny shouting, “Wake up Derrick you are shitting in the bed”.

Derrick decided to let Donny sleep and headed for the lounge to pour himself a drink. Beyond that tough character he put forward for the public, he wore his heart on his shoulder, like a small penguin. Derrick was as sensitive as a new born flower in autumn and as he sat back on the couch, he heard a loud sigh. It was the penguin and he looked across disdainfully. He clutched his rum and bleak and wept dirty tears into the night.

But we can rest easy, knowing he is on the case.

The Hill - Transcript

Alone, they huddled together, desperate and broken. Far are the cries when dampened by the wars that rage.

This is their story.

Gregory: The decision was made by way of a vote, all votes anonymous, and a few nervous smiles spread as Pieter pulled each out of the hat. Pieter was sweating profusely, he often did, but he looked in control, only the slightest shaking of his left hand betrayed what I thought was fear. The vote was tallied and the decision made, we were now to build a raft and move on from the island that had been our home for the last seven years.

The raft took all of three weeks to build, and was a very quiet time for us all. I was given the task of managing the build as my Greek heritage saw to it that I knew more than I should about seafaring. I smiled quietly - I am an expert on two things really, and the other is chicken. Most of us kept to ourselves during this time in nervous anticipation and restlessness and when at last the day came to launch the atmosphere was stale and terse.

Pieter: The launch went well - a good sign - and everybody finally had a chance to laugh, releasing some of the tension that had strangled us these past few weeks. Wiggy accidentally slipped when he climbed on the raft and howled in pain and frustration as his head hit on the edge of the raft while toppling back into the warm ocean. We all roared with laughter and it really lifted everybody’s spirit, even Wiggy could see the funny side as Dave helped him back up and gave him a hug.

Gareth had trusted me with a secret many years ago and I smiled as I realised that our current situation, with us all squashed in close proximity, would soon see this out in the open.

Dave: Dopey stood firm at the bow, his head into the wind as it pushed his long dark hair back. His strong, thick jaw clenched and his eyes surveying the horizon. He seemed so brave and unfazed as he pulled his trousers up a little higher. He turned to me and smiled.
“What do you think our chances are?”, I asked cautiously.
“Well hello man. Don’t get all teary eyed, you Muppet”
“I can’t take this anymore, I just… just… want to be back home”
“Well, close your eyes, keep bleating and I am sure you will be there in no time”

Dopey and I had been friends for eleven years and I knew he did not mean the things he said and that inside he was sensitive and caring. I could see through the hard outer cast of defensive, bespoke armour.

Dopey: I stood firm at the bow with my head into the wind as it blew back my hair. I was troubled by the recent events and pulled my trousers up a little higher. It had been a time for reflection and my mind wondered back to memories I had thought were buried forever. I turned around and noticed Dave looking at me - that little punk was a fairy just waiting to pounce on his gay world of care-bears and short, tight, white jeans. I shivered when I realised that he had probably been staring at my arse. Our conversing was interrupted by the screams of laughter and I turned to see Wiggy pointing at Gareth and rolling around with delight.

Gregory: I was deep in thought, when Wiggy came to me and told me his story. Gareth had come to him and asked if he would come for a ‘swaz’ over the edge. Apparently Gareth looked desperate and was sweating more than Pieter at a vegetarian buffet. In his desperation he revealed to Wiggy that he was unable to ‘go’ if there was nobody standing next to him. At first Wiggy thought he was kidding, we all knew about Gareth’s propensity to only use the toilet at his home, but surely he had lost that habit after being stranded for seven years. When Wiggy realised he was serious, he could not help himself and burst into uncontrolled giggles. Dave came over and as soon as he heard about the problem happily volunteered to be Gareth’s aid. I curled up for some warmth and tried to keep the increasing swells out of my mind, Kirkland had things under control.

Kirkland: I was at the helm and had things under control. I had managed the build of the raft and was the only one capable of piloting us through the worsening weather. The raft pitched and rolled violently on the ocean but land was in sight and everyone was in high spirits. It took all of eighteen hours to hit the backline but that was when we all realised that landing this raft would not be a painless affair. I have never seen such waves or such fury emanating from the sea and sky. With a crash that matched the thunder minutes earlier, the raft clashed with the rocks, throwing bodies forward with distaste. The last thing I remembered was seeing limbs against sky and then darkness. When I came to I could hear screaming, it chilled me to the bone and I longed to find him. Who could it be? Why can’t I see? I wiped my eyes and realised I was badly cut on my head and had blood flowing down and blurring my vision. Once I had composed myself, I looked around - I was on a rock still about 30 metres from the sand and the screaming was coming from my right. I looked across to see Wiggy, naked and bloodied, in obvious pain. Everyone else seemed to be on shore and I swam over rescue Wiggy as quickly as I could, my legs feeling very weak. When I arrived all I could hear was surf and thunder, the screaming had stopped. Wiggy was lost.

Porto: We all assembled on the beach and held a ceremony for Wiggy. It was hard to believe, we had all grown so close given the circumstances and it was like losing a brother or as Scully always said, ‘my brother from another mother’. I cried softly for the life that could have been. Frank paid tributes to a brave man that had fought hard and had given himself up to the cause. He was, in Frank’s words, “the jaw-bone of our sole (sic)”. Dave mentioned Wiggy was "his sun, his moon, and boet, you made me tinkle". Dave ended by saying "we shall stumble on like mad puppies in the night".

The next three days were spent recovering but on the forth day we made our way slowly toward the hill which strangely circled the beach. There was no way any of us were going to go back in the water and we could see no alternate route but the climb would be difficult and dangerous and everyone seems unwilling to take the lead. My gold tooth was causing me real pain but this was the last thing on my mind.

Scully: I clawed my way up, heaving and sweating but I had made it. I looked down and called for everyone to follow before lying back and relaxing. I absently scratched my rash and had the same pang of regret that invaded my mind every day for the past twelve years, ever since I borrowed Kirkland’s soap. When everyone joined me we took a bit of time to make a rough camp. The top of the hill was very close and an easy twenty minute climb but we would do that tomorrow, well rested.

Ryan: Sometime during the night I heard what sounded like barking, perhaps a dog. I knew, as we all did, that dingoes bark, but took comfort that there was unlikely to be dingoes near. I decided against waking the boys and rather slept warily up against Dopey’s leg.

Dopey: I awoke before dawn to find Ryan sleeping with his head on my crotch. It was colder than the Ethiopian Highlands and I was shivering. I did not wake up Ryan.

Ryan: The next day we made the top of the hill, only to find a very large hut. The hut was fenced and built so that we could not see what lay behind it. We were excited at the thought of people but nervous that we could be stumbling upon more savages. Gareth and Dave agreed to investigate while the rest of us lay in wait. I looked across at Pronkie, he had already made himself comfortable and looked content on his patch of grass. He appeared to have no problem being on the move and even wore the t-shirt, ragged and torn but with logo still visible, ‘home is where you park it’.

Pronkie: I was dead tired and collapsed in my make shift bed, demanding and expecting sleep. The mind though can be bullish and my thoughts drifted back to the island and the unfortunate events surrounding our situation. I needed escape. I needed to be free.

Frank: We had not heard from Gareth or Dave for the full day and dusk was slowly creeping up on us. I had that unsettling feeling in the stomach, I giggled to myself as I compared it to that awful moment when you walk into a Gents loo and see someone washing their hands, only to walk into the recently vacated stall. I mused at how often I made that wrong decision.

My thick, ginger moustache tingled, as it often did when I sense something is wrong, and then I heard the growling. We were used to Porto snoring but this was terrifying. It did not take long for all of us to realise there was something in the darkness, stalking us. In my mind it was a Rottweiler, I am not sure what everyone else thought but the growl was menacing and mobilised us quickly. We all scampered over the wall, Scully leading the way and nobody daring to look back, once inside the hut we felt safe, at least until we realised that Gareth and Dave had still not returned.

Pieter: The hut was very rustic yet very clean with the sand floor swept and everything appearing to have a place for it. We were all having a look around the surprisingly large hut when the obvious owners arrived back. A tall lanky man followed by a short man with a pot belly. They were cordial but communication was limited to hand signals and we began to feel like we may very far from home. Gregory farted and appeared to anger our compatriots but the mood was calmed when Scully explained to them that this was our sign of appreciation.

Gregory: I farted. I was so embarrassed I could have jumped the wall into the night. Thank the tittied world for Scully.

Dopey: The makeshift front door opened and Gareth came through slowly. Gareth pulled what appeared to be a rusty 9mm Berretta out and I stood back shocked – I could not move. When I recovered I realised it was a Desert Eagle, a popular weapon in the Pinetown area that I grew up in and manufactured by Colt. I was in a youth gang in my early teens and carried a similar model. This one looked as though it had never been cleaned and was in obvious neglect. To everyone’s horror he cocked it and fired it into the ground – a loud shot ringing in the ears. He shrugged off the reaction and began to wave the gun in the air – everyone was absolutely flabbergasted and in shock. Pieter went to talk to him but he seemed out, pointing to the floor and then smiling.

Pieter: Gareth came through the dodgy front door and was smiling. I ran up to him to find out where he had been. He had a gold band or ring in his hand and was he waving it around. I asked him where he got it and he said it was ‘earthly’ and kept pointing at the floor. He seemed happy and shouted.
‘We found Barry Boome’
‘You are joking bru? Where were you?’
‘We found Barry, honest, oath’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah, he is down by the river, I think he was drinking rum with two locals’

Porto: I had lost my gold tooth only to see Gareth waving it around. As I made my way towards him the door pushed opened again and two strangers followed Dave in. They were rough, their clothes worn, as much from the inside as outside and it was obvious they were native to the land. Dave held a bottle and rum in his hand and drank heavily oblivious to all of us around him. He had obviously had a bit to drink and he threw the bottle to the floor, shattering it, and this started the chaos.

Pronkie: Dave and his mates started dancing. I shook my head and sat in the corner. What the fuck is wrong with these guys?

Greg: Pronkie had his 'man-period' that day and sat in the corner with his 'man-panties' in a bunch.

Dave: It was the best party I had been to in years. Everyone loved my two new friends and we had a great time.

Frank: The two locals were furious and produced long spears. They attempted to move us out of the hut and that’s when things started to turn nasty. Kirkland was the quickest to react.

Kirkland: I grabbed the skinny runts spear and snapped it in half, then threw him across to the other side of the hut. Scully started kicking him while he was down on the floor. Dopey kept walking around the hut shouting "fire extinguisher?", I am not really sure what he was doing.

Gregory: I picked up the pot bellied guy before giving him a ‘power bomb’, 'compliments of Captain Insaino'.

Pronkie: Shit hit the fan. We were out of there, running. Everyone was following Dave, who had bolted first. Outside the front of the hut the landscape was incredible and we ran downhill towards a rather large river and estuary.

Dave: I ran. I realised everyone was behind me running as well and we only stopped when we reached Barry Boome. Barry was still out cold but Ojjo was up tending to what looked like a miniature bonsai donkey and giraffe, each about the size of a beer can. I dipped my head in the stream to try to focus but sleep strangled me.

Dopey: We all arrived to see Barry sleeping next to a river. Nobody could figure it out, we were thousands of miles from home and it seemed like we were losing it. Dave had passed out next to Barry and I gave that little fairy a kick in the ribs as I passed him.

Kirkland: I kissed Barry on the cheek, I was so happy to see him. I lay down and must have sharted as I drifted off because I could hear someone complaining and shouting my name.

Ryan: We all just fell asleep, that’s the last thing any of us remember.

Ojjo: We smiled and watched them sleep. Far are the cries, when wounded by the free.

Dopey: Then we woke up on a fucking tennis court. In fucking Thailand.

Dave: With a business card from the hotel stuck to our foreheads. Nobody could find Wiggy.

Gregory: We just could not find Wiggy.

Returned to the Earth

With a last struggle to free herself she then knew it was all over, and looked across at everybody in turn, all faces spilling with shear terror. The six holes now ready for them in the warm earth, it was just a matter of time. Pain shot through the centre of her back as she was kicked into the shallow grave in front, she felt hands gripping her as she was turned around so as to face the heavens and her executioners. The military dark green uniform seemed to blend into the dark korean face which was smiling, and then the dirt came, constant, beating and very warm. A sweet taste permeated through the soil and she could only imagine it to be the insects caught up in the digging, panick set in but soon left and then everything faded.

Happy Days...

The boys out for the night (Miguel is propped up on a bar stool, holding his spacial enhancer), that's Dopey on the left with the dodgy shirt, Puddles at the back with Bryan and Wiggy in the front. Nobody can remember how Porto got there...Breakdown in undercover surveillance...

The Connection

Bob had met Bryan during an international rugby match between Japan and South Africa, it had been one of the best days of Bob's life as they had thrashed the Springboks in front of the Japanese faithful. Bryan had come up to him after the match discussing some of the plays and they had later gone for a beer and then dinner with Bryan's wife Mags, a New Zealand lass who loved the game and was never short of conversation and support for her husband. Years later after Bob's career had ended, the result of a nasty bite on the arm by a Puff Adder while climbing for charity in the South African Drakensburg, Bryan had convinced him to come and work at Hills Holland and introduced him to Bart Mickel. Bob began working for Fatcat Piet and initially found a great bunch of guys working there and good times were had by all. He only noticed a general change in attitude after one faitful night where one of the lads working there by the name of Powder, who seemed to be a bit on the wild side, had an affair with a young girl by the name of Grumpy Dixie.

The waiting game

Desperate to get into the army base, Bob was crawling under the nets that they use for training and trying to squeeze under the outer wall, when all of a sudden a man whose face was partially disfigured jumped up in front of him and stabbed him in the back. He held no fear though and just as he was stabbed he found himself sitting in a cinema, watching himself in the movie taking the knife.
Bob came to in an instant, gasping for air, feeling a tingling sensation in the small of his back. He and Wiggy were waiting out the lions in a tree and he must have fallen asleep. He looked across at Wiggy who was resting quietly giving him a quizzical look. Bob had played rugby for Japan a few years earlier and he now felt the familiar sensation of being completely exhausted. Unable to sleep now his thoughts drifted and he went over what had happened so many years back.

A rough bunch

Less publicised figures in Wiggy's plot, but no less important were Bryan Howe, an employee of Hills Holland, and two members of a local Portuguese street gang going by the names of Scully Moldo and Porto. Bryan Howe was a former Springbok rugby coach, who had a black market business deal with Scully and Porto intimidating certain players that Bryan considered a threat. His replacement as coach after an embarrassing string of losses, saw him out of favour with the public and unemployed for a few years before finding work at Hills Holland. Bryan never fell off the gangs radar though and they monitored him continuously knowing it was easy money should they need to blackmail him at any stage. Bryan Howe stumbled accidentally onto Wiggy's treachery and it was not long before the gang demanded his involvement and their inclusion in the spoils. It was rumoured that Porto at that stage was already suffering from syphilis.

Dopey - Silent puppeteer

Dopey grew up in a fairly stable environment and joined Hills Holland while studying at the University of Nisa. His only evils were the occasional drink, an insatiable appetite for paracetemol and his often public sexual exploits. Although known to all as Dopey due to his addiction for pills, he was sometimes jokingly referred to by those close to him as 'Bumfleas' an obvious reference to one of his sexual conquests. He obtained a job at Hills Holland through a very good friend of his named Fatcat Piet working there at the time and was known to be a hard worker and very focused on his studies. Dopey became more and more restless however and it was during a night out after work that he and Powder made friends. Powder's influence was instant and soon Dopey was firing on brandy and bad temperament, having sleepless nights and performing numerous acts of vandalism. Dopey was reputed to have discharged five fire extinguishes in a night of rage, causing thousands worth of damage.

The Plot - Part 2

Powder came from a gentle background to become one of the hardest men in the Addington area. He became known to all when he severely beat a young girl outside a local nightclub. The 'bloodbath' incident was splashed around the newspapers and on all the news channels. Some said it was because his soccer career had ended that he turned, others said it was the loss of his long time girlfriend that pushed him over the edge but whatever it was, it became obvious that the ball was rolling and he would not stop. Powder enjoyed the good life and more often than not was fuelled up on beer and brandy with his most pleasured beverage of 'double brandy, half ice, no coke' soon becoming very popular in the bars in and around the Queensborough ghetto. His frequent trips to Amsterdam saw him indulging in vast quantities of magic mushrooms and often getting himself in trouble with the law by chasing underage girls. Powder was then set to be a player in Wiggy's game when he blackmailed a corrupt official named Bart Mickel, then Junior Vice President at Hills Holland, and secured a job where he had access to private personnel files.